Ever since I was a teen I knew that I didn’t quite feel right… Around 16, I tried to see a therapist however I felt like they were wrong and I knew better. I ended up getting caught up in the wrong crowd, wrong people as friends, drinking too much, doing drugs, and leaving home before I was ready. Once I hit 20 I decided I knew everything and against everyone’s advice I started dating a man that was older than my mother. I ended up getting pregnant about a year into our relationship. He started never being around, always out with his friends and not seeming to care about me or the baby coming. I had my beautiful son in 2008 and felt like I was extremely overwhelmed. I had help but it never felt like it was enough. When my son was around 10-11 months old, he wouldn’t stop crying one day and I lost my mind and put a pillow over his face. Thankfully his dad was around and slapped me to knock some sense into me and stopped me from hurting our son. This is when I knew I really needed help.
I left my son and his dad and moved in with another guy that I worked with. I don’t remember exactly when but I finally went and talked to my doctors about what I was feeling. They said it sounded like I had postpartum depression and referred me to a psychiatrist. Upon meeting her I knew I was in good hands. I officially was diagnosed with postpartum depression, general anxiety disorder and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I also eventually went from postpartum to just severe depression. I have done many things since starting to see my psychiatrists that have helped a lot. I started medication and she sent me to DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy). This helped me be able to label my emotions more clearly and gave me a tool box of things to use when I was out of sorts.
I have taken CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) which was more things to put in my tool box, talked a LOT about Self Care… It’s a very important thing that took me 10 years of therapy to finally put in place. Let me tell you though, even going through all this therapy… I still made crappy choices, still was in abusive relationships (Because he loved me right??), still had a hard time knowing what I was feeling half the time. I started really working on me about 5 years ago. DBT, CBT, Anger Management classes, Multiple therapists (Both Psychiatrist and Psychologists), Weight clinic (because I have overeating issues and am severely overweight)… I met my now husband 4 years ago and he has been a huge help in supporting me to become the person I want to be. It’s been a lot of hard work however I’m fully off all medication, see my psychiatrist once every 2-3 months and my psychologist once a month. I’m even starting to help other people better their lives.
I know BPD is hard, what with the fears of abandonment, unstable relationships, horrible self image issues, impulsive self-destructive behaviours, self harm, emotional swings, feelings of emptiness, explosive anger and paranoia. I promise you though, with the right steps and a good support system you can start to feel in control again. I have an amazing support system with my mom and dad (putting up with all my crap throughout my life and never giving up on me), my mom’s new husband who is there for me even when he doesn’t understand me, my best friends that have been through a lot too, and now my husband who takes the time to learn about my mental illnesses and support me in anyway he can.