I just didn’t care. I didn’t care about eating, showering, getting dressed, cooking, cleaning, etc. Everything felt so overwhelming and I didn’t know where to start. Any ounce of energy or motivation was immediately stifled by another task to complete being piled onto the never ending list.
My daughter would say over and over, “Mommy is happy.” It was as if she was speaking it into existence even though both of us knew it wasn’t true. I wanted so desperately to be happy. How does someone be something when one doesn’t know what it’s like? To be happy, to feel happy? To feel anything other than numb?
The medication the doctor prescribed seemed to make a difference but life still carries on. How does one know when it’s normal to feel down due to life’s circumstances and when it’s something deeper? How do I explain to my husband why I can’t pick up the phone and make an appointment? How do I explain that I can’t order pizza from the family owned business because they don’t offer online ordering and phoning it in will cause me to stress sweat?