Well today I feel like SHIT! Coming off nightshift stuck in a loop of agitation, irritability and am feeling myself slide into the spiral of depression. Depression for me usually makes an appearance when I feel I am so worn down by the “stuff” of life. It starts with being run down from long days and sleepless nights. It then gets worse through the chronic pain of back tension and neck stiffness sometimes leading to headaches. Feeling defeated and unproductive in these moments only makes things worse as I slide into isolation. I then hear a pastor talk about how depression and anxiety are “attacks from the enemy” and hear him saying that I’m just not faithful, spiritual or hopeful enough. I then recall how much pain I have caused my mother by not meeting her expectations despite trying my best to honour, respect and love her. I then get a message on instagram from someone offering an online course on positive thinking and problem solving and am blown away in that moment by the insensitivity and self help bullshit out there people are trying to sell. The death spiral of isolation has began and I believe it is the reason most men don’t share… they don’t trust because they’ve been hurt one too many times and they find it hard to trust there isn’t some hidden motive/ agenda or sales pitch. Like can we all just listen without judgement or pushing our own agenda and expectations?
In that moment I quiet my mind and I go to my safe place. My Wife. My Wife is an angel. She is kind, caring and compassionate. She talks me down from my stuff and reminds me that this day will pass and tomorrow will be better. She encourages me to take some time to myself and reinforces healthy boundaries while at the same time calling me on unhealthy walls.
To those struggling with similar thoughts…I understand! You are probably not spiritually oppressed or being attacked by the enemy- life just sucks sometimes and often it is hard to cope. These feelings of never achieving the mark in your spirituality, relationships, and whatever else you feel not quite good enough in are horse shit! You are enough. Period. Full Stop!!
It’s okay to not be okay…fight to see another day!