I once was a Firefighter ALS Paramedic.  I loved the crest on my shoulder.
I used to stare at its reflection in the mirror, admiring the reflection i saw back.
I loved helping people, caring for people, making a difference in people’s lives….
Until one day 12 years later  – I just woke up and didn’t…I did not love ANY of it ANYMORE.

I remembered looking into the mirror now and seeing that something had changed…someone had changed.  The Paramedic had somehow become the Patient…
All I saw looking back at me was this shell of a man that I once was, that I used to be.
Who was this person now staring back at me?  This man looks sad, tired, alone and lonely.

Now it’s been years now since I saw “me” in the reflection.  I barely remember what “Me” even looks like anymore…
I hope he’s okay, I hope he’s happy somewhere.
I wish I could see his smiling confident face again in this reflection instead.

But every time I try, all I see is this broken man looking back at me
Crying out for help, desperate to be rescued from the monsters plaguing his head.
“I’m sorry” I whisper into the mirror.  “But the man who used to save people – he’s gone, he’s missing…
It’s just you and me now…whoever you are.”

May the darkness deep within me find peace in the light one day soon…

C-PTSD Survivor

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