I feel now that the jungle if you will isn’t so thick. My emotions through my life have been incredibly hard to deal with at some points and many times I’ve felt I had nowhere to turn. I’ve managed to fight through alot within myself and I feel true freedom is closer these days than it ever has been.
I’d like to just start at the beginning where my earliest memories of trauma started. I must have been 4 or five years old if I remember correctly and it was the time in my life I had learned about masturbation from my older brother being only a few years older than me. So just found out about this incredible sensation and I just had no idea how to cope with things after that. It became sort of a toxic relationship between my brother and I for basically the rest of our lives to this day since I was always this sort of younger weaker one and it seemed that he wanted to keep it that way. He became my bully and my very first emotional and sexual abuser. I just had no idea what life was like outside of that and no way to tell anyone or anyway to have anyone even understand. My experience just seemed so much different than everyone else.
In 5th grade I started not likeing the way my body looked. I liked girls but i also felt like a girl and i just tried to hide my emotions around boys since my first experiences made me feel like somehow I was gay. I had this person always with an inside track to my confidence would break me down and trick me in different ways. You know after a while when you hear the some things over and over and someone has had an inside track to your mind and sexuality you start beleiving it and it’s like there is no escape.
My mind was torn apart by this age because it’s when you start to think about girls a bit ant was like my self was so torn apart before u even understood what was going on and that my sexual self was involved with my own brother it was just enough to want to die.
I didnt live in the same place as my brother though, he lived with my mother and older sister 2.5 hours away and I lived with my father as they had divorced when I was around 2 years old or so.
I felt off in my body, I felt I was not supposed to a boy. I would hope and pray sitting in class in grade 5 that the next time I looked at myself I would be a girl.
I was put on ritalin in grade 2 because I was crying in class and was put into special learning classes. I ended up in sort of a non official gay relationship through my teens with one of my friends. I still knew I wanted a girlfriend and a real life I just felt so dirty and like no woman could love me as broken and messed up as I was.
I started to smoke weed when i was 14 and i would always get caught up hanging around the bad boy types. I didnt feel attracted or anything it’s just that i felt more safe with the tougher rougher types even though they tended to push me into getting into more trouble they kept my brother in line more so and could teach me more how to defend myself instead of feeling weak.
I still had this incredible sensitive side that I hid as much as possible every single day. I didnt have many girlfriends because as soon I would have to think about sex or opening up emotionally I would freeze. I felt so feminine inside but I was growing more and more face I g the outside world as a beast that would never let anyone hurt me again.
Everytime i thought about relationships i just thought about my childhood and how i wouldnt be able to tell anyone about it or how i felt inside. I just bottled everything up for years and years and I’ve never really told anyone about those childhood pains though I’ve been learning to work past all of it.
I worked so hard at every job and I just felt the need to care for other people. I would use my feminine sensitive side for caring and when I was in so much pain that I couldn’t have my own relationships or free myself emotionally I turned to channelling my aggreshion. I joined boxing out of high school to channel some of my rage and i still felt out of place even in that environment. There was this part of me that wanted just to purely hurt anyone that was try to hurt me or anyone that I cared about.
At 21 I had moved to another province away from my whole family. I was so scared and out of my comfort zone. I had no idea who I was anymore I just knew how to go to work and how to numb the pain when I needed to. I was an emotional wreck on night out at a bar with my rough friends and I was in so much pain and so angry at the world that I beat the liveing hell out of a bully that was being pushy in the bar. I felt so horrible about it although everyone kept telling me he deserved it but I could help but feel terrible inside like I just couldn’t beleive what I had done. Inside myself I was still a very emotional and sensitive being inside it was just the pain of not being able to ever let myself be free to love and tell all my secrets that was turning me into this beast I couldn’t live with being.
I’ve had days where I could barely lift my head in shame, doubt and fear. I was so vulnerable that anyone that made me feel the slightest bit good could manipulate me. Though alot of times I just kept working hard jobs and I ended up working with some of the toughest people I’ve ever met. People like me that were emotionally scared and didnt take any crap. People that were always about doing the best job they could because that was all we had at some points was just doing a good job.
I still struggled with relationship and even just the idea of sex. I kept working and I invested with people like me and we failed. We were all people in pain and things just blew up. I also had so many people I felt were In control of my life and i had this fear not do disappoint them.
Deep down underneath my pain and rage I still felt incredibly feminine. I still hid it every day of my life until I met a dominant female online. She was older and we just seemed to understand each other. My sexual side was so bound up and I was so confused in all sorts of ways but she helped me work through it. At 30 years old I finally opened up sexually. I finally found someone that made me feel ok about my sexuality and my femininity. I had so much pain about relationships and sex but she helped me feel like she wasn’t going anywhere, like I was no longer going to be alone inside myself. She helped my through anxiety that was so crippling it sent me straight back to my childhood. Everytime I felt alone she wouldnt allow me to stay alone. She walked me through anxiety that I had to hold back everyday, the type that kept my tounge pressed against the roof of my mouth to keep from bursting into tears in front of everyone wherever i was.
It was the most intence experience of my life to finally let myself open up and be loved for once. After that point i started to left my femininity shine a bit more everyday and i noticed hos many people were ready to beat it out of my soul. So many people had such an anger towards me and such a bully additude from what seemed to come from every direction. Though I just knew how tough I was and I chose to care and be very tough at the some time.
It’s taken me a few years since then to build up healthy boundries and push people out if my life that reminded me of the initial abuse of my childhood. I still have trouble some days but I just keep pushing, keep trying to be creative and keep pushing away over gudgmented people that want to tear me apart all over again. To be honest I’ve become alot stronger now and I know I dont need those people anymore and I think that is what bothers them the most when I’m liveing my life without them. I just dont let that kind of thing into my life anymore, I know I’ve been through so much pain and so so much depression.
Ive felt that feeling of wanting to end it all but now days I channel that feeling into building my boundries and keeping everyone at bay that is just there to try and cause me some sort of turmoil. I dont fight them I just push them away and move on with my life. If I dont I find myself so angry that I’ve got these migraines that last for days sometimes until I just deal with whoever or whatever is triggering my emotions into fight of flight.
Usually I’ve found now that alot of people are dealing with some sort of pain themselves and some are just willing to take it all out on you. I’ve just been though so much that they cannot even fathom it seems, they just dont understand that level of pain until you push then away thay gave no choice but to look at themselves.
For now I’ve got this girl and ivd got this feeling like I want to build a life with her. So now I’m learning about boundries in a relationship and being able to just be myself even more without feeling too much anxiety. I’m trying now to feel the joy and to keep working on myself and my creativity as well as being available for a relationship. Creativity seems to be the one thing I can turn to when feel that crippling anxiety again or when I’m triggered by something or someone In my life. I can write about it and channel those feelings into stories and just keep working on my boundries to keep negative people at a healthy distance. So I’m staying positive for the future and thinking about my career as an artist as well as my love life and even family life in the future.
Thanks for reading and I hope my story maybe can help someone. I’m glad to write it out and get it of my chest and keep working on my mental health and love for being alive.
To keep in touch follow me on instagram
Thanks so much and all the best to everyone on your jeorneys 🙂