*trigger warning* ⚠️ Hi I was diagnosed with CPTSD and Anorexia Nervosa 5 years ago
But that does not define me, a diagnoses isnt a life sentence, it’s a small part of how I perceive and built a defence mechanism to the world and I have been working my ass off over the past couple years to accept it so I can change it, to transform it, to become a new way of being, and perceiving the world. CPTSD which is like ptsd, but from your childhood and having multiple traumatic events over your life time, it changes the way I perceived the world with very intense emotions and symptoms. Anorexia nervosa is a restriction of food, intense fear of gaining weight,disturbance in self-perceived shape, to create a sense of control in my life that felt out of control, it’s also a way of expressing complex or concerning emotions through restricting.
Writing this I feel completely nakedly vulnerable, I always tried to be positive and put on a mask to help others feel happy in this world, and yet behind the posts, and the smile.
I was dealing with debilitating anxiety and depression, suicidal ideations, intrusive thoughts and images,self harm, anorexia nervosa & addiction.
Dissociation filled my every day which is a break in how your mind handles information. I felt disconnected from my thoughts, feelings, memories, and surroundings to the point of not being able to reach out. It can affect your sense of identity and your perception of time,
I would enter buildings and i I couldn’t remember where I was or why I was there. It became so debilitating scary, I couldn’t comprehend reality or time, throwing myself in ice cold showers just to stop the panic.
I completely shut off everyone in my life, even my family and closest friends, I deleted all of my social media for 3 years. Hours, days, weeks,
Months, would go by and I would just be trying to hold on to fight the depression, the existential crisis thoughts, anxiety filled thoughts of suicide every minute, they would jump out at me just trying to sleep or trying to talk to people the thoughts would be screaming at me, trying to force food in me or not at all, plus still trying to be there for my loved ones and dealing with the emotional pain my relationship was putting me through that made me question my self worth and I feel was the cause to my brains reaction, I shut off the world completely, because my
Mind was becoming so debilitating scary. I isolated with my mental health completely from society & friends & family at that point, and questioned my worth to the point of not wanting to connect with anyone anymore, not even me. i didn’t want to live, I didn’t want to eat, I was too scared to sleep, too scared to live, too scared to die. I am so greatful for what my loved ones had done for me though, being patient and understanding the best they could and knew how, I was terrified to exist and becoming a person I never wanted to be towards my loved ones, But I hope they know they helped saved me.
I was placed in hospital twice to be refed , and for mental health.
I remember aldreen my best friend sitting by my bed every day for hours saying you can do it Jess, I kept fighting and got my weight back to where I could function properly, I became hopeful for new life still dealing with my diagnoses of CPTSD & anorexia nervosa .
A few months went by and I felt a sense of hope, booking a ticket to Thailand with aldreen and Scott, working my ass off to just be okay again, I’d have to still fight the anxiety & bad thoughts but Thailand was giving me motivation to eat, to not give up! I had the one who I loved come back in my life and I was hopeful again, it was sept 23rd my birthday the last time I seen aldreen, he committed suicide a week later, my best friend since grade 7, my soul mate of 12 years